|
life is so much different when you have something or someone to live for...im not gonna lie my memory is completely screwd up...but it seems like a lifetime ago when i was just lil toni...the youngest stick up kid in the clik...runnin around stealin jordans and robbin capos for the older cats i ran with...and that was fun...psshhh that was great everyone was nice everyone knew me...everythin was good...until by the grace of God my eyes were opend..it scares me when i think of how incredibly naive i was...i had no idea what i was doin or where i was goin...then one summer i remembr i was just ridin with my one of my bestfriends....it was reallll cold that nite for no reason at all but we still had the windows down listnin to my sistrs illmatic cd...when it just hit me...and i almost broke down that very instance...it was defnitly a "wut hav i done moment"....that moment changed my life completely...its like my eyes were opened...i could see the truth behind what we did...we were hurting people...ruining peoples lives..innocent peoples lives...for money or respect..or even for fun...i didnt find stability within that lifestyle anymore..but i didnt know what else there was for me in this world...so i started looking...and my search took me everywhere...through the teaching of the 5 percent nation....Islam...malcom...farrakan...MLK...my mind was beggining to develop..but it wasnt finished...i just thought it was...so there i was..thinking i knew wut was up...i knew where i stood...i thot i had an enemy...and that enemy was every single white face i came in contact with...i preached over and over again to whoever i was runnin with on the conspiracies..on the lies...on our righteousness as a people...i even took it a step further i took it upon myself to physically beat the 'evil' out of any whiteboy i came in contact with who i thot looked at me wrong...and once again...God broke me down and i was set in a new direction...i cant remembr who it was that was talking but the message i heard pointed me toward the one place on earth where i could find the truth...some real knowledge....and so i just started reading...new testament...old testament...study books...historical references...and i realized i had alot of repenting to do...i realized how evil i had been...and even worse how many souls i had led down the wrong path in the process...so then i gave up...i went tried all differnet ways to the truth and when i finally got there...i didnt measure up...so what was the point now?...i felt emptier than i ever had...that period of my life is so hazy...i dont know why i did some of the things i did...and i dont know if i remembr all that i did do...but : ) once again...God pulled me out...apparently i cant do this alone...i need help..i need someone to get me through...he knew that...he was just waiting for the right time to put me and her together...lol and then about half a year after that...for the first time...i was on the right track...but i mean its not too hard when you have your very own angel by your side...thank you breanna..i love you...
one |
| |
| i love her................ |
| |
| i love her................ |
| |
| alrite im gonna start usin this xanga thing like im sposed to...its sposed to be sum kinda journal crap so im gonna write wuts on my mind...how i feel at the time so i can maybe make myself feel a little better cuz rite now i feel like shit....its like all these bad emotions have all been rolled up into one crappy ball...im pissed worried sad vulnerable paranoid outta my mind and really really REALLY pissed.....y am i pissed...im pissed cuz rite now i feel like im not worth crap to nebody...like im just a screw up..since that is all ive been doin lately...i jus cant get things rite lately...i have a goal...A as in 1 single goal in life...and i feel like im failin at it....and wuts worse i have a good hunch that i know folks that can do it better...and my hunches are like 90 percent accurate...im also pissed cuz this is the SECOND time ive had to write this damn thing....worried now....hell ill jus say it...i aint worried im scared...like a 4 year old in a dark room with the closet door open...i feel like sum f'n boogeyman is fixin to jus bust into my life...and i mite lose everythin...which kinda pisses me off again....im vulnerable cuz i dont get like this....i dont let these kinda emotions drive me...but now thats exactly wut theyre doin...and im paranoid cuz all these lil feelins and wut not are cloudin my vision...throwin me off im not confident im terrified of wuts down the road in my life...i jus dont know ...and its all because i cant ...i jus cant...i cant be wut i want to be..and i cant not let it bother me...i cant live up to expectations...i dont fit the profile and as hard as i like to try i cant...so y shouldnt i jus give up?thats the million dollar question floatin around in that overstressed brain of mind....y dont i jus step aside and let sum1 more qualified take over....cuz im selfish and stingy...and i jus plain dont want to...because
i cant...but at least now most of all that is out of my system...ahhh im already feelin better...i need to use this thing more often...it comes in handy when i skits out from time to time...but neways if u are bored enuff to read thru this thing and u dont get it...good...cuz its really not for you...and if it upsets u...then haha well u dint get it...its calld venting...and since guys(even us semi emotional ones)dont get things off our chest all the time we have to get this done every now and then or we..well.. we die.
we freakin blow up...big explosion...very nasty...neways im goin to bed..no longer pissed... or scared...jus worried and a lil annoyed...
hey its an improvement |
| |
| despite the fact i only got a quick glimpse of my babi in the hallway this mornin....ive never been happier...and not just that ive never felt this good or this confident about things...and ive never been more sure that im in love...theres not a doubt in my mind that ive met that one special person...
but i do feel kinda weird tho...jus a lil bit...like im jus real anxious to get to that next stage in life...like right now these next few years are just a waitin period...i jus gotta make it through and then my life can really begin...cuz rite now i feel held back...i know wut i want for my life...i know who i wannna spend it with but...i jus cant...im legally not f'n allowed to by law....which pisses me off and really makes school seem like prison...i jus gotta get out...haha smell that sweet scent of freedom...no more puttin up this front...no more getttin along with folks id really rather hit with a large blunt object...no more uniform..and i dont mean jus the clothes...no more havin to fall in line with evry1 else...ahhhhhh freedom
lucky for me..evry now and then i get a lil peek ..a preview of whuts ahead...i mean i jus cant help but be happy around her...she makes me forget about all the stress at home...all the pressures,all the bad memoires...she frees me from this pathetic teenage prison and shows me how beautiful life can be...and wuts real cool is b4 i have to go back she makes me a promise that one day shell take me outta here...and then we can both be free and see that sunshine and feel that warmth together...and then bein back on the inside doesnt even feel so bad
so really incase i never made it clear i wanna say thanx babi...for makin life livable...for makin me stronger...makin me happy...and for jus bein yourself...i love you and i always will... |
| |
